Catching Up: ADHD & Life in the Fast Lane
A brief check-in amid allergies and exhaustion
Abuzz
I’m happy to say that I’ve had a great summer: reading, walking, running, talking about books, and spending time with friends old and new. I probably spent an average of one night per week at home, where just one or two nights out per week felt daunting and draining.
Healthy and fulfilling as getting out has been, one of the most significant benefits has simply been the reduced time for rumination and second-guessing that I’ve been prone to for as long as I can remember.
A favourite read of mine this summer, Helen Oyeyemi’s Peaces, includes a humourous premise that a main character must be kept sane by locking her away from the world for five years aboard a whimsical train of her own design. (Sounds straight out of my article on the worst possible advice.) Social anxiety and not knowing what was out there in the world led me to operate in a similar vein, with a reliance on logic and control. But as I’ve learned with limerence and other lived and read experiences, logic and control are often just masks for rumination and fear. Not to say we should all act entirely on impulse, but that there’s a line past which further analysis will only lead us to madness.
I now find myself struggling a little with the other end of the spectrum, particularly as it relates to ADHD. I’ve written a few times before about the inner maelstrom that grows out of looming tasks and responsibilities, and how spending time to simply catalogue them can take a great weight off. I think the same is true for completed tasks: taking a moment to process and accept without falling into overthinking. Brashly pushing through many things in a row without taking time for any of that processing has left me overstimulated and overwhelmed, so my aim was to write something short today and then finally rest and take that time.
But I also just want to take a moment to talk through a couple of my other struggles with ADHD right now. Unless I’m actively working on something else, my brain and fingers are apparently happy to constantly check social media; the 1% dopamine hit rate being good enough to justify the 99% pointless disappointment and mood drop. I know it’s an issue that overlaps with OCD and anxiety and other things, and I’m stopping it when I recognize it happening, but it’s frustrating!
Yet at the same time, ADHD makes actually important issues like cleaning, flossing, and other forms of self-care nearly impossible until it becomes a problem. Believe me, I know how stupid it sounds to be aware of a problem and feel unable to act on it despite having the time and tools to do so. But here I am, recovering from a bad reaction to dust and only now dusting my room again.
We keep working on it, learning and growing. And I do take some pride in how far I’ve come, even if it often means new problems to overcome.
Today was originally going to be a review of either Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma or Someone You Can Build a Nest In. I’ll probably still do the film next week, but suffice to say that I enjoyed and heartily recommend both to anyone looking for some surprisingly warm and cozy romantic ‘horror’.
Thanks for reading and for your understanding; and until next time <3
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