Published September 20, 2023
I’ve spent years interrogating myself with that question as I struggled to comprehend my gender identity and function with undiagnosed anxiety and ADHD. Whether forcing myself to stand up and deliver a torturous presentation in class or fumbling through my first attempt at painting my nails, that annoying question grounded me by returning focus to my core values. I had made a decision to act, and despite my nerves I was deciding to follow through.
Choosing again.
This time two years ago - September 17th 2021, to be exact - I sat in my parents’ backyard on a cool, cloudy day and without warning, sobbed disgustingly for over an hour. There’s always a multitude of factors when a dam breaks, but I think it can often be simplified down to 1) an underlying problem and 2) a catalyst.
In this case I had 1) recently learned my grandmother had passed away and 2) just finished a four-part series of science fiction novels by Dan Simmons, called the “Hyperion Cantos”. I highly recommend the series for its shrewd look at humanity, religion, and the value of art and artists - though unfortunately the author’s attempts at writing women are laughable at times. I reference it here for the philosophy it offers toward the end of the final book:
“Choose again,” she said firmly.
“Care to elaborate on that?”
“No,” said Aenea. “That’s the whole idea. Keep it simple.
But name a category and you get the idea.”
“Religion,” I said.
“Choose again,” said Aenea.
I laughed.
(Dan Simmons, Rise of Endymion)
Reassess from your current perspective, then either recommit or adapt to new circumstances. Anxiety may have been my gateway into this mindset, but I imagine there are many potential avenues. What are transgender people doing every time they walk out the door in clothes that match their identity? What is an accessibility advocate doing when they send their tenth letter requesting a ramp or elevator installation? What are police-oppressed people doing every time they interact politely with an officer?
Choosing again.
These people are all making rational decisions in circumstances where their core values are being met with adversity. Given that description could apply to just about any protagonist in their own story, what’s the point of examining all this?
“dogma”: a fixed, especially religious, belief or set of beliefs that people are expected to accept without any doubts (Cambridge Dictionary)
Worshiping, working, and buying without a thought. Fearing and attacking anyone who departs from the norms handed down from on high. Truth is whatever comes out of the ruler’s mouth. It’s straight out of ‘1984’, Nazi Germany, and the wet dreams of corporate executives.
To choose again is fundamentally to think for oneself. Strengthened by education and empathy, I think it is a powerful weapon against the insidious dogmas in our society. It can help to reaffirm our morals when we’re down and help us identify problematic societal voices we have internalized.
On a smaller scale, it is to be more conscious of our actions. Drinking more water, considering whether to watch the next episode in a binge, or to reach out to a friend you haven’t heard from in a while. It is to confront those passive parts of life with conscious thought.
Choose again.
Thank you for choosing to read this far! My plan for this blog is to discuss and analyze ideas, characters, and motifs from literature which have been meaningful to me - especially those like ‘choose again’ which have stuck with me months or years after setting a book down. I’ll generally take a closer look at the text(s) in question, but giving sufficient context for a work like the ‘Hyperion Cantos’ would be a long essay in and of itself. I wanted to start with this topic in order to convey how I enjoy examining real world issues through the lens of literature - especially science fiction and fantasy. Until next time!
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